Real.

I want something real. I do not want to go through these bullshit games of pretending not to care, when you actually do. Pretending that love isn’t real but always comes back to trying to love.

I want something real. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but damn. Sometime. Calling me to say how was your day? Or just wanting to know what my plans are for the future.

I want something real. Someone to grow with me, to grow together, build our hopes and dreams together. Heart wrenching love that builds you up and makes you feel so scared that it actually hurts in a good way.

I’ve only been in real love twice. People may not understand how a 14 year old can love someone forever. But I do. He’ll always be a love. Then again at 20, I fell into this love that was broken and betrayal and hate, but comfortable. It’s weird how that happens.

I want something real, no scratch that, someone real. Who holds my hand when things are scary, pulls me in when I’m about to cry, loves me for who I am, not the idea of who I am. Love is so hard to find, but even harder to hold on to.

Life as a College student.

So I have been complaining about being in college and how much I hate the classes and how boring they are. I keep trying to tell myself I want to be in school so I don’t make the mistakes my parents made, thus I can be successful and happy when I’m older and not have to worry about my next paycheck or worry about where it comes from.

I’m super lucky, most people find their person that they’re meant to be with in college within two months of starting it. Some people won’t, which is fine. This can be great because you have that person who can better your studies. Some people don’t have that from anyone or just have friends that help. The great thing I guess I find in my life about the person I’m talking to is he’s already out of college, he’s been through it, he stays on top of me and doing my homework because some days I just really feel like hiding in my room doing absolutely nothing because it’s exhausting being a 15 hour student and having to study 25 hours a week.

One thing I suggest to people that believe that they have found the person that will be most beneficial to them is to see if they actually care you’re in school and want to see your success. Luckily Payce, the guy I’m talking to, stays on my *** to make sure I do what I need to. I get so down on myself because some days I just want to say screw it and so no I’m not doing it.

As a college student this is so important, not just making sure you study, go to class and actually pay attention. It’s important to have someone to help drive you to finish your classes and do well in them so that you can get as much knowledge as possible. Some days it can be exhausting and frustrating, but that person striving to help is your greatest asset because they believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. Just know that you will find someone who will push you even when you push back and say no, that person though is essential to your success because you need at least one person to help you that’s either been in the situation or is in the same boat as you.

As a first generation student, I don’t have someone in my family who has been in the same position and I feel so lucky to have someone that will make sure I will be continuous with my school and goals. For any student I highly recommend you find that person and take their advice because you’ll finally have someone to lean on and push through even the hardest classes.

Just do your best, but more. Study your classes, even when you feel like you can’t any more. Now I’m not saying take all your extra time from work and school and just study your life away, get out and do stuff around your town and get out and relax, but make sure you study even when you believe you know everything. College is hard and you’re doing great. Just keep pushing yourself to make it the best you can.

The sickness.

In my life, you and I have talked over the phone since I was 6 at least once a week maybe once a month.. now you’re sick. Dying of kidney failure due to your disease.

You’re leaving your husband, which is understandable, he’s a train wreck. You’re also leaving behind a son, which in all means you’re leaving yet again another child for someone else to raise.

You left me and my sister when we were young, you left without so much of a goodbye and no one could find you for 3 months. You left us and now you’re leaving my baby brother behind.

You don’t want to come home because you found another man, who is probably not going to take care of you because he’s still married and no offense who wants to leave their wife in order to take care of someone who is sick?

You don’t have long and I know that. I just want you to be happy and enjoy the time you have left.

Overall I’ve seen you 4 times since I was 6.. Mother’s Day when I turned 16, the summer before papa died, my graduation, and 2 summers ago.

You left us. You left me. I had no one and I needed you. Nanny is now trying to be a mother to me, in which I can’t understand because I don’t know what it’s like to have a mother. I don’t know what it’s like to come home and be held by my mother when a guy breaks my heart or have her stand in the bleachers as I play my first soccer game.

I don’t know why I’m so angry but I am. You’re leaving your child behind once again. I know your disease doesn’t help your judgement, I know you can’t control that, but obviously you know right from wrong with everything else. You just leave the people that love you behind. I’m just exhausted trying to be a good daughter who understands and tries to be a good person.

I love you mom and I don’t want you to be sick. I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to lose my best friend. You mean a lot to me. I just can’t understand why you don’t want your kids, when we all wanted and needed you..

It’s hard to grasp, I guess. But I love you and maybe one day I’ll understand. Maybe one day I’ll forgive you.

Today.

Today was a realization. As I look onto my other blogs, I realized how much I’ve grown through the years. I was in a dark place, a really dark place when I started writing. Today, now my life is a lot different, I come across and look at everything since the beginning and notice that my life has changed; I have changed.

I started this blog to escape my darkness, to help me understand and define everything wrong in my life. I couldn’t accept the hands of fate, so I just wrote it down with so much anger and resentment. Today, I realize I have become someone so different it’s a change of pace.

My family thought by the time I turned 16, I would be in jail, pregnant, on drugs, or have overdosed somewhere. That’s a heck of a statement, that’s a whole lot different then who I am today. Today I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am loved. Today, I am a student with goals and aspirations of achieving something great.

Although I don’t have a lot of people who follow or read what I have to say, I hope one day people look and read what I had to say back in my dark days and continue reading what I have to say in the future.

Just one more thing, even if everyone around you thinks you’ll achieve nothing, keep fighting. Keep believing that you can achieve anything. Because you can. I promise you that. Out of my whole life of barely surviving, I came out ahead and if I can do that, you can too.

Baby.

To those of you out there, you may believe this going to be about my boyfriend of two years and our sweet wholesome life, but you’d be wrong.

You see, the reason I can’t talk to people about this is people just don’t understand. Although, a lot of women go through it. I used to think I never wanted kids, I just wanted my freedom to travel, to experience life, and just love the person I was with with my whole heart. About a year ago, I got diagnosed with PCOS, which is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which just basically means I grow cysts on my ovaries that can range from microcrysts to bigger and yes they can get so big that you have to have your ovaries taken out.

For those of you that have it, you understand the risks and hopefully you can have kids and don’t have to go through the fertility treatments for long. But for me, I may not be able to have kids period. Now I feel like a failure not only as a woman, but to my boyfriend who wants three kids, two boys and one girl. Named; Boys : Timber Russel and Lincoln Christopher Girl: Kennedy Elizabeth. So as you can see me not being able to give the man I love his kids kills me.

We found out back in December that his cousin, who has endometriosis, is having a baby, and in about 2 days we’ll find out the gender. Which is good for her. I’m very happy for them. But honestly I don’t want to go to the gender reveal, the baby shower, or anything. I can’t even look at pregnant people and be okay. My body just wants to ignore me. I feel like a fucking failure and who can I talk to? No one. No one understands. 

My mother has lived in Canada since I was 6, my dad would never understand, my mother in law and I aren’t close enough to even begin to talk about it and I know at this stupid gender reveal, I’m going to cry. What else can I do? I will never be able to do that. I have to pay thousands of dollars just to have a baby. Ranging from $1000-$20000, not to mention to see if I will be a good mother or not, whether we could raise one which is complete bs because I know I’ll be a good mom, I wouldn’t ever abandon them, I would care for and love any baby that I got. I know what to do and not to because my mom did that to me. I don’t think it’s fair for people who can’t have kids to have to basically jump through hoops, while there’s a crackhead getting knocked up and won’t care for that baby like I would. I think it’s extremely ridiculous. 

This isn’t just another talk about someone not being able to have kids. This is about the feeling that women go through everyday.

taken for granted.

People. That’s what all of this comes down to. How can someone believe that just because kids are what they want they can do it at any time and give it up.

I’m one of these people that may have to take fertility shots just to get pregnant. To have a kid of my own.

From when I was younger I didn’t want kids I kept telling myself that. My mother left my sister and I behind, my father was a good dad but had a lot of anger problems; I kept telling myself that I never wanted kids just because I did not want to grow up and be a terrible parent.

People everyday, kids themselves in fact, take for granted they can have kids. The option of abortion is preposterous. I now am at the age where I believe I want kids. I have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks that we could just adopt and it be okay because either way it is our child, but to me it doesn’t seem that way.

Everyday I see abortion this abortion that. Honestly I am sorry I can not believe you would do that. You take it for granted that you can have children, you take it for granted that for nine months you can hold a child closer to yourself than anyone. Now I understand the certain circumstances that it could endanger the baby or the mothers life, but just because you had a one night stand and now are pregnant, no.

Every day people take for granted that they can do things other people cannot. I want to be able to go through the hell it takes to hold a baby inside of me for nine months, I want to be able to have a bond with my husband because it really is our child. I want that feeling, and every day it is taken for granted.

To all soon to be mothers: Please, if you cannot raise the child, give it up to adoption. If you made a mistake and do not want the child, give it up to adoption. I know that when that day comes, it will be the hardest thing in the world, but just remember there are a lot of people that cannot get pregnant that want to be a family. Do not take it for granted that that baby is growing inside of you because that’s the closest you can come to with anyone that is your own.

The little things.

Maybe this is just life, but most of the time it sucks.

One day you wake up and realize that you have barely any friends. You complain and complain, where does it get you? No where. You could have the biggest heart anyone has ever seen, always putting people before yourself, always forgetting you deserve happiness too.

When I was younger, I was angry. I don’t know why, I just was. I told the love of my life when I was a freshman in high school, that I could not handle the sight of him, so I was going to uproot my whole life so I wouldn’t be hurt. I told my dad the same thing. I wanted to leave this life, this shitty ass life I was living, to live with the mother whom I have no idea who she is. So my dad sent me to Canada, two weeks later I was ready to come home, right after that gut feeling of being home-sick my brother drowned and was dead for five minutes, I pulled him out of the water. I pulled his lifeless body, out. After that, all I could think was life is beautiful, and we should be grateful for it. To this day, I still am not happy.

I am so angry. Angry with myself. Angry with both my parents. Angry at the world.

You believe that life is such a beautiful thing. You sit there and want to believe it is. To those who have never seen the difficulties of growing up poor, while you make fried dough because you don’t have anything else in the house, pretending that it will get better. Or growing up without a mom, because she left you and your sister to grow up to have a better life. While you sit in your house with candles lit because for the second month in a row you have no electricity, so you have to take your showers at the school.

I grew up hating the world. I have let one person in. One person. And he is not even here anymore, he left you so he could start a family with someone whom he barely knows. How do you recover?

You try and stay positive, yet everything around you just gets worse. Your body starts failing you. You realize you may never have kids because you create too much testosterone and you are a woman. You grow facial hair and try to conceal it, but it doesn’t ever work because it just grows again, and then you start growing chest hairs, and it in other places. While your ovaries grow cysts.

I want to believe I am a good person, I volunteer, I help my grandmother, whom didn’t want to believe in Christmas anymore because of her husband passing 7 years ago. I do what I can. I make sure everyone around me is happy. I have always used my birthday/christmas money to get other people presents because I want to make sure everyone has a present, because I would rather see the smiles on their faces from my money they give me then have money. Yet I am so angry that I cant love, I cant be happy, I cant do what I want in life, because I didn’t ever grow up to know that person.

I grew up, growing up. Taking care of myself. Yes my dad did what he could and he is my best friend, but the little things in life suck. I just want to be happy. To let people in. To see happiness again. All I do is push people away. How do you grow up not knowing who you are? How do you grow up resenting everything you’ve ever been around? I mean, how can you grow up so badly and not let anyone in and yet, you are the happiest person you know.

To my mother.

Dancing in my dress. Spinning in circles. Laughing. I was 7.

On the field in the rain. Scoring a goal. Getting sick. I was 8.

At school. Cheating on a test. Got caught. I was 9.

Dads new girl. 3 kids. Not ready for that. I was 10

Bleeding. Sick. Got sent home. I was 11.

First race. Nervous. Second place. I was 12.

Awarded for math and other things. No one was there. Dads girl fucked up. I was 13.

Lost my virginity. He left. First concussion. I was 14.

He came back. Second year of soccer. Last race. I was 15

He fucked up. Joined cheer. First Prom. I was 16.

Last soccer game. First job. Second Prom. I was 17.

Second job. ISS twice. Lost my way. Graduated. I was 18.

Drugs. Alcohol. Party. I was 19.

School. Your mom. Gained control. Now 20.

 

You always told me you never could have stayed due to my family mistreating you. So you left. To Canada. Are you fucking kidding me. You could have stayed. Two children should have made you stay. For them. Now you have a family. You are not a mother. Not in my book. Yes, you gave birth to me, but your mom has been more of a mom than you ever have been. You left your two daughters. You left us.

I do forgive you, but you are not my mother. You are just  a long distant friend. The mother I had left when I was six. She left my sister with no parent of her own. She has done wonderfully without you. Thanks to your father and the person you hated your whole life. My sister did incredible, raised perfectly. Me, I did okay. Let me know if you know how it feels how to ask your dad for tampon advice or about boys or sex. Doubtful. Dad did the best he could, but I raised myself mostly.

I’ve been molested twice. I have had to work two jobs through high school just so my lights wouldn’t be cut out, every month. Or the water. I am exhausted of hearing, you are sick, that you couldn’t help it. I call bullshit. We were your daughters. We were your everything. I love you and my brother, but I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. I had to grow up and learn how to do my make-up by myself. How to put my hair up in a ponytail. You aren’t my mother. You are a mother to Johnathan, but not me.

All those things I listed. You missed out on. Good and bad. You fucked up. Not me. Not dad. Not super nanny. Not granddaddy. Not magic nanny. You did. Take responsibility. You will never get those times back. You will never get to see me grow up from when I was little till I am an adult. Oh and please. Don’t show up for either of my college graduations. You didn’t help along the way. You just made things worse.

You are an adulterous whore. Twice. You are not a mother. You are awful. You are cruel. You put me and my sister through hell and back. The way you treated her when I was born. Fucked up. That’s okay, you helped that situation by giving me more of a shitty life than her. I am glad she was raised the way she was. She cannot stand talking to you, she just does it for nanny. I guess in other words, thanks for not being there. Can’t really miss what’s never  been there right? So thanks, I’m stronger than anyone could imagine.

From,

Your second child.